That’s Not What I Have For You

The Lord has so much patience over my dear stubborn heart and mind. I feel like this week He was kind of like, “I’ve been telling you this for weeks, I guess I’m going to have to show you in every way, then maybe you will hear me.”

I believe it is rare that God speaks to humans in audible voices in today’s age. He uses His Word (the Bible) and the Holy Spirit, but he still speaks to us. This week the Lord spoke so clearly to me and for once I was finally not so distracted I couldn’t hear him. He didn’t speak audibly, but I know without a doubt he spoke to me.

I was washing dishes listening to a daily devotional podcast when the Lord said to me:

“That isn’t what I have for you.”

You see, since January of this year I have been striving for and prioritizing a goal of mine. I swore it was something worth working towards, something that brought me joy, and even *potentially* a work from home career. I even tried to use this goal to spread the Gospel and never shied away from my faith in regards to it. I’m honestly embarrassed to say that I wanted to become an “influencer” on Instagram and through this blog. I worked hard, I created a posting schedule, I created reels, followed people, interacted with other accounts, and even planned out what I would post on my IG story! I told myself “I can use this platform to encourage, lift up others, point people to Christ! I can be a light here. I can serve God here! Maybe it can even be my job!”

Those intentions were good and nothing was inherently wrong with it. Deep down I think I mainly wanted the “following,” because with a following came opportunities and status. But I also genuinely wanted to be a light to others and share Jesus. None of that was bad, or wrong, or even sinful. I genuinely ENJOY creating content and I think it is SO MUCH FUN. However, was it what God wanted for me? I cringe to think about how badly I wanted to hit 10,000 followers so that I could be an influencer and get brand deals and share links. I feel foolish.

That day, I had just woken up empty. My boys have not been sleeping well AT ALL and I woke up completely drained and empty with nothing to left to give anyone I felt. I decided to leave my phone on my nightstand. (Typically I bring the boys out to the living room and scroll for about 15-20 minutes to help me wake up). I had absolutely no desire or energy to look at other people’s lives because I was struggling that day to live the life I wanted. I wasn’t depressed, just tired. There were many needs to be met within the walls of my home and I felt like I was scraping by trying to meet them that day. So I didn’t get on my phone. All day. I just left my phone in the other room. So strange, and extremely unusual for me as a habitual scroller.

Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God…”

I finally had shut off the flood of distractions that is found on Social Media and I was able to hear the Lord. My mind was finally silent and I was able to be still mentally. He spoke to me about something I had been very hardheaded about. He simply spoke to my heart that the goal I was pursuing is NOT HIS goal. That the calling I thought He had for me was actually a calling fabricated by my ego and selfish desires. He doesn’t have that for me, not right now, maybe ever. He doesn’t want my to be an influencer. He hasn’t called me to serve and minister to people over the internet. Though that’s a legitimate place to serve the Lord and to minister, that’s not what he has for ME.

Social media has been something I’ve wrestled with for a long time. I often fight with the fun and enjoyment I get out of social media, and the negatives I KNOW are rooted in being on social media. Discontentment, overspending, momentary gratification, distraction, pride. But I think I’ve ignored the negatives for this selfish desire and the Lord finally said, “Enough, that’s not what I have for you, Kaydee.”

I’m not saying I’m going to delete my Instagram and Facebook and abandon it all. I don’t think God is asking me to do that right now. But I am abandoning all efforts to make it “something”. I’m only using it for true enjoyment and I am no longer spending a lot of time scrolling and seeing all these different people’s lives while growing more and more discontent with my own life. I’m ready finally to reprioritize and strive for the goals that God DOES have for me. I feel that Social Media’s negatives far outweigh the benefits. I always say I wish I was that person that just lived life and didn’t feel the need to share it all, and I realized I can be and should be that person. I’m ready to work for the things God has given me and serve the people He wants me to serve and minister to the people He has given me to minister IN my circle.

I know exactly what God has for me. He has given me a husband, two children, a home, and a single income. He has given me a few close (long distance) friends and parents and siblings and church family. These are the people I am to reach right now. These are the people I am to serve. These are the things I am to work hard on and steward and prioritize in my life. My family has ALWAYS come first, however there has been this distraction hindering me from doing my absolute best for my family.

It may not seem like a big deal, maybe you don’t have a bad scrolling habit like I do and maybe you just don’t care about influencers and don’t see it as a “real job”. To me this is a huge revelation. It’s a turning point in my heart and life and pursuit.

I share this to help me understand what God is trying to tell me and fully process it. It has been a hard post to write and share because I think I’m my head I knew that once I wrote it all down, I would have to obey the Lord because I KNOW what He spoke to me. I share this also because perhaps you are struggling with the same thing, knowing God has something different for you but struggling to acknowledge that.

Are you striving for something that YOU believe is a good thing, maybe even God’s will, but it isn’t? Are you distracted from the Lord’s voice? Have you sat still long enough and turned off whatever your distraction may be, so that you can truly commune with the Lord and hear from Him? Is there something nagging inside you that you’ve been ignoring because you just don’t want to deal with it, that maybe the Lord is trying to get you to understand and make a change?

If you are, I encourage you to leave the phone. Turn off the TV, set aside the to do list for a moment and just listen. Listen to the Lord and whatever He has for you. Sit in silence and hear Him. Ask Him for guidance and revelation and growth. Perhaps a great change will take place in your heart, and you can walk even more closely with your Heavenly Father.