Just Write

The past 6 months of pregnancy have been a whirlwind of exhaustion, bursts of energy, bursts of creativity, anxiety, and again, exhaustion. One thing I continuously come back to is the urge to create. Creativity gives me energy, I feel like it balances me out some, especially in times when I am so wildly out of balance. If you've been pregnant, you may recall the abundant not-myself-ness it brings. While pregnancy is a beautiful miralce, it also makes you feel like a completely different human. Your day-to-day functioning capacity is suddenly significantly lower than it once was, you emotions are high and out of control, and you just want to nap. I think my urge to be creative in this pregnancy and my last stems from trying to tether pregnant Kaydee back to normal Kaydee. While there are many aspects of myself that get lost in the 10 months of pregnancy and the first 3 months post-partum creativity seems like the easiest one to grasp back onto in the bad days. Like right now, where I was up in the night lots with my sick toddler, and on edge all day with my other sick toddler. I feel so out of sorts mentally and emotionally, and also very tired. (Whenever I do feel this way, pregnant or not, I try to track it back to a source. 8 out of 10 times it is due to how tired I feel). When my emotional self gets stuck in the gloom of a hard mom day like this, I spiral as many do. I will never ever feel like myself again. I will be tired and pregnant and out of sorts for the rest of my life. I couldn't get it out of my head to just go spill it out somewhere. I keep going back to making short form + long form content on Youtube but it just doesn't feel right. I think I keep going back to this because it is what I am most exposed to daily. Blogging isn't really a thing anymore, not the way it once was. It is used now mainly to push product. I can't get peace about making a video of any sort. I keep hearing in my mind that is moving too fast: "JUST. WRITE."

My main issue with "just writing" is that for so many years I wrote things to be read. I am not really on social media anymore and truly pushing your own blog online without short form content just isn't going to work and it's also exhausting. But in 2024, new baby and phase of life and all, I am going to practice just writing to write. Some do read here occasionally but I won't be sharing it anywhere. If you happen to see it, you do. Right now I am focusing on just writing to write, for my own mental health. Whether I write a bunch of words here and instantly feel like they are the worst words written in history or not. Just keep writing it out and working that muscle. I do plan on writing about my second trimester next. As well as baby's birth and that entire experience. Whatever else comes to mind.