Our BReastfeeding Journey

August is National Breastfeeding month. I previously shared my favorite products to help you have a successful breastfeeding journey, but today I thought I would share our journey so far. I want this to be an encouragement to any mama who is nervous about breastfeeding. I feel like it always helps to hear a positive story, yet it is so easy to share the hard things. I also want to write it down for my own memory. It's been a beautiful and hard journey, and I want to have it documented to look back on.

Before I get into it, I want to preface with this. Breastfeeding doesn't work for every mom and baby, and that is okay. Breastfeeding is hard, always. It is a commitment, it is a sacrifice. It should be celebrated. It is beautiful. Every moment I nurse my boys, I am grateful. I truly didn't think it was going to be possible to nurse twins and fully expected (and prepared) to bottle feed while also making a commitment to breastfeeding. I'm thankful that God has given me this opportunity and ability. If you can't breastfeed, or didn't want to, just know, you are an amazing mother. No matter how your baby is fed.

I didn't think that breastfeeding twins was even possible. How can your body make that much milk?! While I was pregnant I researched and watched videos of how to properly latch, how to pump, how to sustain a good supply. I also bought bottles and formula, expecting the outcome to not be good with breastfeeding. I made a commitment to myself to try breastfeeding for one full month. If it was too hard, or wasn't going well, I would switch to bottles and formula. Here's how it went (and how it's going).

Month 1 - Learning with Oliver

We started in the hospital, exhausted and nervous. You have only a few hours of rest before your baby needs to eat, and it's a scary thing trying to latch a new born when your arms are so weak you can barely even hold them. Asa was down in the nursery, on oxygen, an IV, and monitors, unable to nurse. So I learned to nurse Oliver alone and first. While it was devastating in the moment, looking back it was a mercy. He had a severe tongue tie (we didn't realize how severe until he was almost 5 months old). Our pediatrician told us about it, but encouraged us to wait to get it released and see if it would stretch out. In the end, it worked out fine. However, I wish we hadn't waited to get it fixed. The first time I latched him felt right. It was oh so painful (as it is the first time, even if it's done correctly). It took a couple of tries, but he would latch and nurse for a few minutes. I listened to him carefully as he swallowed and dozed. I think that it is a miracle he nurse and had such a strong latch when he tongue tie was so severe. He was a sleepy newborn, and he only nursed a minute or two at a time. He was also super tiny, weighing 5 lbs 1 oz at birth, and had already lost a few ounces. Though he nursed well, the nurses wanted me to supplement. I attempted the tube connected to the bottle that was supposed to slip into his mouth while he nursed, every 2 hours all night I tried this. It was difficult and frustrating and discouraging and it made me so discouraged. The next day we switched to a syringe feeding after he nursed. SO MUCH easier, no nipple confusion, and my little man was able to begin gaining the weight he needed.

What was challenging was pumping. I had the wrong size phalange, and it HURT. I was getting like, drops of colostrum though I should have gotten more. I didn't have anything to give to Asa (they wanted to syringe feed or cup feed him). My heart broke. It was pretty much my only job at this point to feed and nourish these two babies and I wasn't able to do it all the way. The lactation consultant was so encouraging, and taught me how to self express. The few drops of colostrum I got the first time made me cry. I finally had a little bit to bring to Asa (who had already been transferred to the NICU and put on a g-tube). Our pediatrician wanted us to supplement Oliver after every feeding for a week, as he was only 4 lbs 12 oz when we were discharged. So I would nurse, and Josh would give him about 5 mls of formula in a syringe ( or as much as he would take. This was challenging, because Oli would be so sleepy and full and it fell like we were force feeding him). I wasn't pumping, because I didn't realize I need to. Oliver was eating, and pumping with the wrong size phalange hurt sooo much on top of the soreness from the first few days of nursing. Oliver continued to improve and eat like a champion. While I wasn't pumping, I was using the Haakaa, which helped me gather some milk. It took about 4 days for my milk to come in, and when it did, there was PLENTY. Thank you Lord. I cried when I was able to get 3 ounces with the Haakaa. We continued supplementing with formula (even though Oliver was getting a lot of milk now) until we spoke with our pediatrician and made sure Oliver was back to his birth weight.

We were getting the hang of this. Keep him awake, nurse, syringe feed, and use the Haakaa. Every 3 hours on the dot. We got this. Now, let's nourish Asa.

Nourishing Asa

As soon as I was able to visit Asa in the NICU, they had a lactation consultant come and talk to me. They were so knowledgeable and helpful and without a doubt the sole reason I was able to breastfeed these twins. She informed me I was using the wrong size phalange, and that was why it was so painful to pump. Once I switched to a smaller size, I was able to pump plenty of milk, and it hurt so much less. The first several days in the NICU, Asa was too weak to even take a bottle, so we didn't try latching him at the breast just yet. However he was able to finally get fortified breastmilk through his g-tube. Each ounce of milk I was able to bring to the hospital was like precious, valuable jewels.

Asa was in the NICU for 19 days. The main goal he needed to reach to be discharged was to be able to eat x amount of milk every day consistently. It was hard hard work for him to eat at first. I latch him twice at the breast, but we really just wanted him home. Instead of continually latching him at every feed, we focused on bottle feeding. I wanted my baby home, and at this point I didn't care if he took a bottle or breast. If he was eating and nourished and growing, that's all that matter to us.

I wanted to breastfeed him, of course! I decided to wait until we were home, comfortable, and peaceful before taking on that task. The lactation consultants, while encouraging, didn't sound super positive he would be able to learn. I asked multiple times "How do I teach him, what do I do?" and it felt like no one gave me a clear answer. I thought to myself "I guess I will figure it out on my own." The only tip they gave me was to use a nipple shield, I think they fully expected him to only ever nurse with a nipple shield. I was okay with that, but I wanted to try to teach him how to nurse without one as well.

I waited until the day after we were home to even attempt to latch him, and this process was a challenge.

This is what nursing looked like once we were all at home:

-Feed Oli with the Haakaa on the opposite side (for a minimum of 20 minutes, usually 30-45 minutes!)

-Feed Asa for all long as he will nurse with the nipple shield

-Pump for 15 minutes minimum while Asa gets a bottle of breastmilk

-Every 3 hours, on the dot. Even through the night.

It was such a long process, and all I need was feed babies and pump. There were many moments I cried to my mom and husband about how it felt like all I did was work, and there was hardly time for any cuddling.

Thankfully, while this was grueling, painful, and exhausting, both of my babies had plenty of milk to drink. We were even sent home with quite a bit of extra milk once Asa was discharged from the NICU.

Now that we were home, my goal was to get Asa to feed from the breast only.

Teaching Asa to Breastfeed

Earlier I mentioned that not being able to immediately breastfeed Asa, while in the moment was challenging and heart breaking, it was a mercy. This was because me and Oliver were able to figure out all the kinks together, and I didn't have to figure out the kinks with two babies. Once we were home, breastfeeding Oliver was a breeze (though it still hurt + was exhausting). This freed up my mental state to be able to go all in on teaching Asa to nurse without a nipple shield.

For the first week, every nursing session I nursed Asa with the nipple shield for as long as he would nurse, and then he got a bottle. That was the only focus. The second week, I would nurse him with the nipple shield until he wasn't too hungry, then I would remove it and nurse him more without the nipple shield, and then he would get a bottle. I tried to expose him to the breast as much as possible so he would get used to associating my skin with food and not just the plastic nipple. The third week, I nursed him for as long as he would nurse without the nipple shield, and then I would top him off with the nipple shield (it was nice, with the nipple shield I could see how much milk he would get). I did that for about two weeks, because I wanted to ensure he was getting enough milk. After the two weeks, I noticed that he would get frustrated with the nipple shield, so I just started nursing him without it. Ever since we've been nursing 100% and I was able to stop pumping. I'm so thankful Asa was able to learn to breastfeed after only having a tube/bottle for 19 days! Another miraculous gift from God.

Finally In Love

The first two months were full of hard hard hard work and quite a bit of pain and extreme exhaustion. By month three, I finally loved breastfeeding. The feeling I got (and still get) when I nourished my children with my body was so special. I loved bonding, I loved tandem feeding, I loved every part of it! I was so thankful to the Lord for allowing my finally be in love with breastfeeding. Especially once I could stop pumping and triple feeding!

Clogged Ducts + Nipple Blebs

We finally scheduled an appointment for Oliver's tongue in either January or February (I can't remember). Though he was nursing so well and growing phenomenally, I was concerned that the tongue tie would cause him speech issues when he began talking. I wasn't able to get an appointment until April, so waiting was our only option.

In January, I got my first clogged duct. Thanks to pregnant Kaydee for doing a ton of research, I knew what it was. It was excruciatingly painful. I also got it like, the second week after Josh went back to work. It was a lot to handle on my own. I was alone, I was in so much pain (nursing felt like needles were coming out of my nipples. Google came to my rescue, and I did all the things to get it out. I massaged (extremely painful), I vibrated, I combed, I used heat, I did dangle feedings (all in one day!). I had to call my dad to come over and help me with the boys so I could shower and try to get this clog out, I could not deal with an infection right now. Finally, after about 10 hours, I read about nipple blebs (a blister on your nipple that keeps milk from coming out). I picked it off, and finally felt relief though I was still a bit sore. It turned out I didn't have a clogged duct where I was massaging, but I was engorged and massaging made it worse. I had gotten rid of it and things were honkey dory once more. I immediately started taking sunflower lecithin to help prevent it in the future, hopefully.

Fast forward to February. Another nipple bleb, on the same side! Thankfully I knew better this time and was able to get rid of it in about 4 hours instead of suffering with it all day. Relief. I decided to double up on the sunflower lecithin, maybe I wasn't taking enough!

March, another nipple bleb. Okay, what's going on?! The boys both have a great latch? I was very confused as to why this kept on happening. But I got it out with a lot of nursing and gently wiping my nipple with a washcloth. Three nipple blebs, all about 4 weeks apart. Hmm, maybe this is just what our breastfeeding experience will look like? I called my lactation consultant, she said I was doing everything right, and she couldn't imagine what it could be! I felt relieved that at least I was doing all the right things to prevent it.

Tongue Tie Revision

In April we finally got Oliver's tongue tie released. The doctor was astonished that he grew so well despite the tongue tie. About 2 weeks after the procedure, I got another nipple bleb, but on the opposite breast this time. I wasn't shocked at this point, but I was still confused. Then, about 3 days later, I got a nipple bleb on the other side! That was super strange, as I had never had them back to back like this. I got it out as fast as possible. However, two days later I started feeling horrible, chills, fever, weak, fatigued. My breast was hot, bright red, and so unbelievably tender. Putting a few of these symptoms together, I called my doctor and we both concluded that I had mastitis. Oof, I don't wish that on my WORST enemy. I won't go into details, but it took me out for 4 days. I wanted to quit breastfeeding. In fact I never wanted anyone or anything to touch my breasts again! But I knew that breastfeeding as much as possible was the best way to help the mastitis go away (along with antibiotics). I told myself that once I was recovered, if I didn't want to breastfeed anymore, I could stop. Someone told me in the beginning of my breastfeeding journey that I shouldn't quit on a bad day, so I didn't.

Well, I recovered after the antibiotics started working and decided that I'll keep going. The worst was over, and now it was back to being the simplest way to feed my babies. Not only was it simple, but at this point I genuinely loved every part of breastfeeding.

Fast Forward to Month 7

After the mastitis incident, everything was a breeze. We were in a perfect grove, with the boys nursing so well. My supply was not only sufficient, but perfect. I didn't think much of it, I just enjoyed feeding my boys with ease. Around month 7, I had a realization. I hadn't had any nipple blebs since I had mastitis! Thank goodness! I stopped taking the sunflower lecithin, and up to this day haven't had a problem with nipple blebs.

At about 8 months, I had another realization. My nipple blebs were caused by Oliver's tongue tie! DUH! Though he had a super strong suck and latch, and took in plenty of milk, something was off with his latch. However he latched, even though it didn't hurt, it rubbed me the wrong way quite literally. It made sense, shortly after he had his tongue tie released and was re-learning his latch, I had two nipple blebs and mastitis. Then, apparently he figured out his latch and everything was fixed!

The Present

Tomorrow will be 9 months of breastfeeding, and all glory goes to God. He created women's bodies perfectly to nourish their babies. He has given me the gift of breastfeeding. I prayed for it more than I prayed for anything else during my pregnancy, and he heard my prayers. Thank you Lord!

That is our breastfeeding journey thus far. Right now my goal is to make it to one year, which I feel we will easily hit. From there, we'll see where it goes. If the boys self wean, that's great! If not, we will keep going and just see how it goes. I'm not sure what that part of our breastfeeding journey will look like (weaning), but I will definitely share when we cross that bridge.

I will close with this.

I am so thankful for formula. It helped both of my boys grow and thrive in their first week of life while me and my body figured things out. It was always such a relief knowing that there was another option, another way to feed my children if breastfeeding didn't work or was too hard. Formula is such a gift from God! I always think about how many children died from failure to thrive before formula was created. So if you formula feed, know that God has blessed you as well!