No. 6 Penelope

One year ago this morning I awoke from a restless night of sleep, tears immediately forming in my eyes. My puppy had gone missing. She was 7 months old, and she hadn't come inside the night before. My heart was full of anxiety and all I could do was hope she would come back. Unfortunately, later in the day, I found her little body in the road. Nearly unrecognizable, mutilated and ugly. I can remember vividly standing on the side of the highway with my husband and dad screaming "NO!" as I realized it was her. Who knows how many times a car tire had driven over her in the past 24 hours, her paw the only thing I could recognize and know without a doubt she was gone forever. I came home literally sobbing, shaking, crushed. It was the most awful day I have experienced in about four years. I don't yet have any human children, but my furry animals are that to me. I'm sure many of you understand the bond you form with your pet. Losing Penelope gave me the teeniest, tiniest, microscopic insight to what a mother feels when she loses her child. In no way do I think my loss was as painful as that of when my mother lost my older sister, or when my friend experienced a miscarriage. But it was very painful, and it took me a very long time to heal from. I am still healing, actually. Every. Single. day I drive past the spot where I found her and feel the gut wrenching pain again. Every time I unlock my front door I see her muddy paw print that I refuse to clean and wish she would bound out after me as the door opened. I miss her snuggles, I miss her incredibly soft fur, her playful attitude, and her greeting when I get home from work.

But I am healed. As we all eventually do, I have accepted it and moved on. I am still unable to think about adopting another dog, but I am okay now. I don't cry every day (still occasionally) and I can think of happy memories of her without feeling so sad.

A part of me is sad that I feel okay now, that for some reason it is saying I don't lover her anymore if I don't cry. A part of me feels ridiculous for grieving over losing my dog when people I know are grieving their children, spouses, parents. A part of me is sacred of the reason this happened.

I know that God didn't allow me to love Penelope so much just so He could take her away for no reason. I don't believe that God works in anyway without a purpose. Perhaps the reason it happened was simply to remind me that I am not in control of my life, and I can lose any one or anything at any time. But I feel in my gut the reason goes deeper than that. Part of me feels that losing Penelope last February and losing my Chai in September was a way to prepare me for a bigger loss later. As my husband and I begin considering growing our family human-wise, I have a fear. A fear that losing Penelope was in preparation for me losing a child. My absolute worst nightmare, as I am sure it is any mother's or mother-wannabe's. What if I lost Penelope, and experienced that grief, so that I'd have an inkling of what it feels like to lose something you love? The fear of losing a baby is not without weight or reason. I have known many women who have lost their precious babies before they were born. Miscarriages are very, very common. In fact, 1 in 4 women will experience one. I have seen those friend heal, and receive the gift of a beautiful rainbow baby as well. I have no facts to support my fear, that last year was preparation for something much worse. So I need to fight it.

Jesus has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love and power and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). I must trust that if growing our family is apart of His eventual plan for us, that He will work it for good. I must trust that if I eventually get pregnant and lose the baby, that Jesus will carry us through it. I must not fear the pain, but anticipate the healing. Maybe losing Penelope was preparation for a greater loss. Perhaps it was simply His way of reminding me to lean on Him and trust in His healing. A reminder that He DOES heal. A reminder that if I experience an even greater loss, He can carry me through it.

I am not sure. I don't know the answer. I do know that I miss my Penelope, but I am healed. I do know that I will someday have a baby, because I feel in my soul it is my purpose in this world. I do know that Jesus will carry my through any form of pain I will endure, and that His healing is given freely to all that reach for it.