No. 3 My Chains Are Gone

Five years ago I made the hardest, best New Years resolution I have ever made. It is the only one I have truly completed. 

(Please be aware that this post could be possibly triggering. Please use caution as you read if you struggle with depression and self harm. Know that the answer is Jesus and victory is in reach).

In 2012 I unknowingly plummeted into a deep pit of depression, at the young age of 14. The year started brightly and by August the darkness had blanketed every corner of my life. I did not know why, but I felt useless, worthless, and hopeless. I hated myself, I hated God. Anger surged through me and sadness flooded me. I was stuck in the black tar of depression and my mind was shackled with thoughts of ending my life, every. single. day.  I debated how much it would hurt my family versus how much I was currently hurting. I turned to the disgusting coping mechanism of self harm, which soon became a burden of addiction. The pain in my heart ran so deeply that the pain of hurting my own flesh did not compare. To this day I remember the agony I felt. At night I would lay in my bed and pray that I wouldn’t wake up. Eventually I found sleep and escaped the pain, until I woke up in the morning. I planned to run away. I planned to find drugs or alcohol or something to take away the pain. I wrote a last note to my family. Later, I pictured driving my car off a bridge, or purposefully flipping it on the way to class and work. Anxiety attacks ruled my mind. In the secret, quiet, times of my day they sneaked up and crippled me. My heart breaks for 14 year old Kaydee, and 15, 16, and 17 year old Kaydee. For three long years, this depression hung over my head and the addiction weighed me down and kept me from finding peace. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel because I was in a pit so deep light couldn’t reach. I didn’t know I could be healed, and most of me didn’t want to be healed in THIS life.

For three years, joy was far away. For three years I hurt myself. For three years I did not want to be alive. For three years, anxiety crushed me. 

On Monday, January 19, 2015 I had had enough. I had had enough sadness. I thought MAYBE life could be better. I had enough anxiety. I had enough pain. I was over it. I needed to feel joy once more. 

I opened a black journal. I wrote the date and scribbled “Day 1”. In my journal I wrote “Jesus, I give you my self harm today. I give you my depression. I give you my anxiety. Set me free.” The next day, I opened the journal and wrote it again. The third day, I did it again. Every single day. I gave it to Jesus. I gave him my addiction and plead for victory. Some days were harder than others, and I relapsed. But I got back up and gave it over again. And again. And again. Until one day, I forgot. I forgot to write, because I had no desire to hurt myself. I felt the joy of Christ. I was FINALLY FREE. 

Five years later I can say with confidence that I have the victory. I have the freedom. For freedom, Christ has set me free. Hallelujah. 5 years ago I did not believe I could be healed, that I could feel joy, that I could be happy. I did not know I could be free. I could not find a straw to grasp at. But today I can say, freedom is in JESUS. Victory is in JESUS. 

I don’t know where you are at, I don’t know if you are grieving, if you are in the depths of depression, if you have an addiction (whatever it may be), but today just know there is VICTORY. You may not have the strength to reach it today, but it will ALWAYS be there. There is freedom. 

God has given us the victory through the death of his Son. It is free to you. You have to throw yourself at His feet EVERY day, every hour, every moment. But freedom is there. It is in reach.

Dear friend, please find that hope. Find that freedom. Find that victory. When you do find it, you will be amazed at how beautiful healing is. You will be filled with thanksgiving, you will be in awe that God could turn your life completely around. He will bring you to a place you never thought you would be. 

I am thankful for those three years of darkness, because the light is now so much brighter. I am who I am because God molded my heart and spirit in those three years. I am thankful that Jesus set me free and gave me victory. If I had taken my life, I would have missed out so much in this beautiful life God gave me. I am so thankful for Jesus’ victory and healing. I am thankful I did not give up and I once again found hope. Now I pray that I can reveal that little tiny bit of hope to you in your darkness, so that you can begin the journey of healing and finding your victory. 

Perhaps one day I will share my hard story of victory in its entirety. Maybe one day I'll share the very practical tools that got me through those years, but for now I pray that your journey ends the same: with victory. It is only through Jesus that I ever made it to where I am today, and I am thankful beyond words.

Hallelujah.