How I REALLY Feel About Being a Twin Mom

My whole life I’ve dreamed of becoming a mother. In April, when I saw that second line on the test, an image immediately began forming in my mind of what that will look like. I knew it would be harder than I could imagine, but I pictured moments with our child. Our first trip to the store, dedicating our child to the Lord at church, the whole shebang. In June, at my 12 week ultrasound, we found out we get TWO babies. The image in my head changed completely, for the better. However it changed. It’s taken from June 11th until now to process, and everyday I process it a little more in different ways. There is no way I will know what it’s like until they make their arrival. I am as excited as I am worried. My feelings are jumbled, hot and cold, up and down. There is not a single moment that I am not grateful for the beautiful chance to love and cherish two babes. However, the task of raising two humans is daunting. It’s like staring up at a 500 foot cliff face, being expected to get to the top and being totally unsure of how to go about starting. It’s also like gazing across a mountain range. Taking in the valleys and heights, hardly being able to grasp the beauty, and feeling beyond lucky to get to look at it.

So, how do I really feel?

Beyond Excited

Oh man am I excited. To love and care for infants, to watch them bloom and grow into toddlers and small children. To teach them, to wipe their noses, to read to them. I can’t even explain how excited I am to be a mother to twins! It’s something I believe I was made for, and it’s as if I got my dream job. (I’m sure mothers that are reading this are thinking, oh just you wait, it isn’t any dream). I know it will be challenging and fulfilling and I am excited to experience it rather than imagine it. Ironically, when I saw parents with only one child I thought, “I don’t know if I’d be okay with one child, I think I would definitely want more.” Now, I don’t get a choice, two kids at once for us! (Saying it outloud is still C R A Z Y.

Undeserving

I feel utterly undeserving of this blessing. I know women who long for a baby. Women who have tried for years to have children. Yet I get two children at once. My heart breaks and swells simultaneously. I know I didn’t do anything remarkable to receive these gifts. I know that I fail the Lord daily, but for some reason He gave me these children to love and cherish for Him. Another glowing example of the grace of God, grace that I know will cover us through every challenge parenting brings.

Worried

As any mother is, I am worried. Worried about my babies arriving too early, worried about complications, worried about them being flown to the NICU because we don’t have one in our town, worried about health problems, worried about losing them. I’m worried about not being able to breastfeed because of my supply, or their latch, or simply because it’s too hard. I’m worried about sleep deprivation (I don’t do great on little sleep…). I’m worried about being separated from them because of Coronavirus. I am overjoyed, but I’m sure you understand that there is always something to worry about. Everyday I put it aside and try to remember to give it to Jesus. I am not always great at it, but I try.

Scared of PPD

I am concerned about postpartum depression. I know that taking care of twins will be exhausting, challenging, and raging hormones will not help anything. While right now I can’t think of anything more special than caring for my babies, I’m scared of PPD. With a history of depression and anxiety, I know that PPD is a very real possibility for me. I made it through depression before, but the first weeks of my babies’ lives I want to be joyfilled, not sad. It is something I’m committing to prayer, reading about, and preparing for however I can.

Peaceful

Hormones mean a million feelings all at the same time. Amidst worries and fears, I feel peace. I feel peace that whatever challenges come, the Lord will carry us through. I feel peace that the Lord has given us these two children for a reason, and that He will guide us the entire way. I feel peace that they will be healthy. I feel peace that I will get through the first 8, hardest weeks of caring for them, and all the just-as-hard weeks to come after that. I know this peace is only from the Lord, because otherwise I would be an anxious mess 24/7.

Up for the Challenge

I feel fierce. I feel like an athlete getting ready to compete in the best challenge ever: parenting. I’m no fool, I know it won’t be sunshine and rainbows. I am excited to finally do what I feel like I was made to do, however challenging it may be. I’m ready to learn and stretch and grow. I’m ready!

What were you the most scared/excited about when you became a parent? Share below, because I would love to know that I’m not alone!