Patiently Lost

Hi friends! It’s been a good while since I’ve written here (probably said that in the last post). But I’ve been feeling uninpsired to write. I get tiny blips of inspiration, but then talk myself down and don’t end up posting. I have missed this place, and being confident in my writing. I walked through Hobby Lobby yesterday and felt the pull to regularly blog again. So here I am! I think I was setting goals too high for myself in this particularly busy season of life. Instead of shooting for weekly posts, I’ll commit to one post a month, two if I’m feeling particularly ambitious. I’m currently sitting outside in the balmy morning air, while I let my kittens explore the outdoors. I was so scared to do it, but they are having fun and I want to do it often. I have their leashes attached incase of quick retrieval, but 10 minutes in and they haven’t strayed too far. It is so nice, and I’m annoyed with myself that I haven’t spent as much time outside in the last couple of weeks. Note to self: spend more time outside. I guess since this is a rambling random post, I’ll just keep on with my stream of consciousness. I have been feeling lost lately, and it is kind of exhausting. I know that *most* 20-somethings experience this time of not knowing what to do or where to go, so I’m not unusual. However, I guess I kind of thought that marriage would negate that part. It doesn’t. In fact, I think it makes feeling lost (career + education wise) more difficult. There is more at risk and more to consider when you are married. It isn’t just YOUR life anymore, you have to navigate and decide along with another human. Does this decision work for US, is now the question we ask ourselves. I have recently accepted a position as a kindergarten assistant. I am really excited about this oppotunity that will allow me to work in the same place as my husband while also making an impact on children’s lives. However, it has thrown my previous plan for a loop. I thought I knew what I should do, and now I don’t. In April, I spent the entire month praying about pursuing education to become a certified childbirth professional. It would allow me to be a birth coach, postpartum coach, breastfeeding counselor, and a childbirth educator. I felt peace, I felt passion. I even took an intro course which I loved! My plan was to being this fall, when everyone else went back to school. However, now I’m not so sure that’s what I should do. Perhaps I should pursue early childhood education. Lost. Because I can’t just throw money at one or the other and hope for the best. I can’t just pull the trigger and “yolo” it. I have a husband, a future family to consider in all of this. It makes me feel kind of paralyzed. Stuck, because if I move in one direction it might be the wrong choice. All this, while knowing that my calling lies in neither becoming a childbirth professional or early childhood education, but in motherhood. I know, in my deepest heart, what I am made to do, what I want to do. However, the timing is not right. We, as a couple, know that parenthood isn’t in the cards for us at this time. The only right thing I know to do, is to trust Jesus. Trust that He will guide us, trust that He will provide, trust that He will open doors. I know He will, because He always does. While we’re trusting and following, we’ll be working hard and enjoying this current garden where we’ve been planted. Being in limbo is nerve wracking, but if we always knew where we were to go or what we were to do, then we would never understand the importance of leaning on Jesus instead of our understanding. Today, if you are struggling to know which direction to head in, know you are not alone. I am standing right next to you, looking like a lost kid in Walmart. We can lift each other up, and trust Jesus patiently to open the right doors.