The Worst Two Weeks

Hi Friends!

I'm sure that all four of you (haha) that read my blog have noticed that I've gone silent here as of late. I didn't intend to, I even tried to write two posts and I just couldn't find the focus and motivation to do so. The past two weeks were the worst two weeks I've had in about 6 years (so significantly hard that I remember the last time life was this difficult). I didn't intend to go under, I intended to push through the hard stuff and be strong, but the things kind of just piled up and I literally got behind on life and was covered in sadness. Even as I planned to write this post this week, I wasn't sure if I would make it to pushing "publish." I'm still not sure I'll be able to do it, but I'm going to try even if it seems scattered and ramble-y. I think that I just need to get these words and thoughts out of me so I can process and maybe move on a little bit. Let's see I can make it through this next rough part without breaking down into tears (not likely).

On Friday, February 8th, I had a superb day. I had a really good workout, and had plans to hang out with my friend and play games that evening. I came home from the gym, and Penelope, my sweet puppy, was no where to be seen. I didn't think much about it because she liked to run around in the open fields by our house and we figured she would come running up to the front door in a little while. A half hour later, I went outside and called her name and waited. Another half hour later, my husband went out to call her name. We called and called. At this point I wasn't too worried, and assumed she just wandered a little too far. Before dinner, I decided to drive down the road to see if I could find her, I looked and looked and looked. My friend looked as she drove over to our house. Josh and I looked EVERYWHERE before bed. By now, I was extremely worried and was thinking the worst things had happened. Her ID tag had fallen off that week and we hadn't replaced it yet. I thought maybe someone stole her (which isn't uncommon where I live). Our neighbor's had a sheep that had been killed by coyotes just that week, and I worried it had happened to Penelope while we were at work. I worried that she had been hit by a car, but I didn't see any dogs on the road as we looked, and doubted that. I hoped with all the hope in my heart that someone had found her by the gas station and took her to the Humane Society because she was lost, but had a collar. I went to bed Friday night in a flood of tears and worry. My Penelope was lost somewhere and wasn't warm inside her own bed that night. I had planned the next morning to go to breakfast with my sister and do some shopping. I almost cancelled, but decided to use it as an opportunity to search more and distract myself from all the worry. We went to the shelters (which were both closed). I was feeling terrified that the worst had happened. I drove to friends' houses and asked them to keep an eye out for her. I came home, cried my eyes out, but held onto hope that someone had simply picked her up and taken her home with them. I typed up a flier, ready to print and plaster it everywhere on Sunday. I hoped and prayed that God would bring her back to me, that someone would see our flier the next day and call me. I was sick to my stomach with fear and worry, but I held onto hope and distracted myself with movies and "Friends" for the early afternoon.

Later that afternoon, my Dad stopped by our house because he had been searching for her. When he came to the door, my heart leaped in my chest, "He found her!" I thought. He came inside, and said that he saw a dog on the highway. I knew what dog he was referring too, I had passed it earlier that day. I didn't think it was my dog, it looked old, as if it had been there for a few days. I decided that we had to go check, I had to know for sure it wasn't Penelope. My husband asked if I was sure that I wanted to go, but I had to see with my own eyes. I was shaking fiercely and couldn't hold back my tears in fear. We followed my dad, pulled over on the road, and waited for traffic to pass so I could go look at the lifeless puppy in the middle of the road.

My stomach sank, as soon as I saw that little paw, I knew it was my baby Penelope. I knew those tiny black spots covering the white fur belonged to her. She had been hit by a car. It was the ugliest thing, it was truly my worst fear come to reality, it was awful. Words can't describe that scene. she had been so mutilated that her leg was separated from her body, and all her intestines were smashed into the road. Only one floppy ear was visible. I knew though. I knew that was my little precious Penny. The agony I felt was unbelievable, I wanted to vomit. I knew it was her, but a tiny part of my heart didn't fully believe it because her collar was no where to be seen. As I wept and sobbed uncontrollably, we got in the car and drove up the road a little so we could turn around and go home. In the left turn lane, her collar was laying on the ground. That was it, I was screaming. I couldn't talk or breathe or think. My precious Penelope was officially gone forever. I just remember how much it hurt, and saying "no no no no no no no" over and over again.

She was so smooshed, so mutilated and broken into pieces that we couldn't even bury her and say goodbye.

It's gory, but I'm just trying to communicate how truly awful this day was for me.

People consoled me, told me they had lost their dogs before too. This was different. Everyone who talked to me, told me they had lost dogs her were old or sick. Penelope wasn't even a year old, she wasn't old or sick. Her death was so sudden and unfair and ugly. She was so happy and healthy and loved. She was my best friend.

My heart is still in pieces as I write this, and the tears are flowing fully. I just had to say it, had to write it out and process it so I can begin to heal a little more. I don't know why this happened to us. I don't know why, out of the hundreds of stray dogs in our area, it had to be MY Penelope, who was so loved. I know that God allowed this to happen for a reason (God created the world, I know He could have kept her safe and secure). I don't know what reason, and part of me is angry. Angry that I had to lose my best friend and that God didn't keep her safe. It may have been simply to remind me that I'm not in control, that every thing I hold dear in life could be snatched from me forever.

I'm so grateful to all the people who have prayed for our hearts as we deal with this huge sadness. People have given me sympathy that I don't feel I deserve. People who have lost people, family members that they love, have empathized with my pain, and I appreciate. I want to say that I know this isn't the worst thing to happen to us. I know that. I don't go a day without being thankful that we didn't lose more. I'm so thankful that I still have my husband and my family. I'm so thankful that in the grand scheme of things, this loss isn't very big. The pain is still cutting my heart, but I'm thankful that God has been gracious to us in that we didn't lose more (I won't say we only lost a dog, because Penelope will always be much more than that).

After that dreadful day, everything just seemed awful. My husband was sick with an awful, awful cold. I got his cold, and it has yet to fully leave me. The snow fell so thickly this past week that I only worked two days (my bank account will be sad) because school was cancelled. It's just been a dreary, dark, and sad time for us. I need spring badly, all the cold weather isn't helping.

Today, the sun is shining. I got to work despite the slippery roads. I can mention Penelope and think of sweet memories of her without crying (most days). I got to spend extra, unexpected quality time with my husband. In less than two weeks I will be spending part of spring break with my college bestie. I have our good Maisie girl, who cuddles me and comforts me. I know she is sad, I can tell she is lonely without her little sister too. I'm thankful she's here to help us heal a little bit.

God is good, through it all. He has given grace upon grace through all the hard, ugly things. I'm thankful for His mercy. I know that through this hard time, we will learn more about God's goodness. I'm finally in a place to look for the goodness, and I am finding it.

Thank you to all who have sent me sweet messages and condolences. We will miss our good good girl forever, but we are grateful that we got to love her hard while she was ours.

Thank you Penelope. Thank you for being my best friend. For teaching me and loving me in your special way. Thank you for making me laugh, and sticking close by when I was sad. Thank you for being my first puppy, for sleeping with me and jumping up on the bed every Sunday morning to say hello to me. Thank you being such a good girl, for always sitting when asked, for always jumping so high when told. Thank you for always running up to my car do when I got home to say hello. Thank you for always playing with your toys, thank you for protecting me from the scary vacuum cleaner. Thank you for everything you were to me. I love you so much, and you are always in my heart. I miss you forever and ever and always.