Life is Good...and that Scares Me
The past 3 years have been really good. I have experienced joy & peace like never before. It often overwhelms me at times, and I try my best to stop and take in all the good things I have been given after a season of darkness.
I went through some deep, deep depression and trials for a few years, not sure if I would ever feel joy again. I didn't think that I would even make it to 18 years old, honestly. I had crumbled apart and left pieces scattered everywhere. I didn't know if we could find a super glue that would hold me together. I felt so much anger. I had been cut so deeply, and for an entire year I was bleeding and never knew there was a gaping hole in me that needed stitching. There were too many times I contemplated ending my life. The times I made myself black out and took too many Advil because life was so hard. I thought I was ruined forever + that I wouldn't find love. I thought that mistakes were all I could make. So many times I drove myself to class, making the speedometer inch to 100 mph ready to swerve myself off the road because I couldn't shake this feeling of despair. So many times I locked myself in the bathroom at work, crying my heart out silently because I couldn't carry myself through the day anymore. I felt that the sun had set on me forever and that it would never rise again. I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel, and I saw it as a hole without an end, just falling forever. Like that scene in Toy Story 2, when Woody is dreaming that he was thrown into the trash and was swallowed by all of the toys Andy no longer wanted. I felt that I was being swallowed and was completely unwanted.
Finally, I became sick of this feeling and sought help from the One whose mercies are new every morning. We worked together to overcome the anxiety + anger that riddled my crumbled heart. He picked up each piece and glued it back into place, making those seams nearly invisible. He reminded me who I was in Him, and guided me. He showed me that His plan is good. He showed me His love + grace in a new way I had never known to exist. He worked everything together for good.
And it is good. Still, so good.
I decided to move out and go to college away from home, enjoying a wonderful year + forming beautifully sweet friendships. I met Josh and learned that my ruined heart and violated body was still beautiful + lovable. I learned and grew with him, patiently waiting for the right time. That time came and we joined our hearts forever. I got the best job I've had, loving two beautiful little girls who have taught me to be patient and gentle.
Life has been so so good. Better than I imagined and it is hardly believable. Some days are difficult but overall I am joyful + content. At the end of everyday I go to bed with a full hear + smile on my face.
Life is good...and that scares me.
You see, in my few years of being able to experience the world in reality, unveiled by childhood, I have learned that trials will always come. Unfortunately, we don't learn everything God has for us to learn in one big trial (though it would be much easier that way). Instead, we have to experience a trial and another, and another, because we will never stop learning, growing, and stretching our faith. Fire comes to burn out the ugly we inevitably accumulate because we slowly begin to believe our good life is of our own doing. Fire comes to burn out the dirt we didn't even know was in our hearts, despite the fact that in our eyes we have been faithfully leaning on God through the good and the bad. Our hearts haven't fully been molded from that lump of clay they were in the beginning. God still has to carve out this curve and that corner, and unfortunately when an Artist is molding clay, it takes pressure sharp tools, and fire.
I know that my one, big, difficult hardship will not be the last and I am wondering how many years I have left before the next one. The thought of another trial scares me because I don't know what that will mean. The future, as it is for all of is, is dark and covered. The scenes are hidden from our view, and the curtains are hiding the actors and the stage set. I wonder what my future will be like. Will it be when my husband and I are finally ready to have a child, and we can't? Or we find out we are expecting, and our precious baby doesn't make it to us? Will we have a child that has a difficult life due to medical issues? Will I lose someone I love deeply? Will postpartum depression take over me? What will it be?
I am so happy to be in the good. To be looking over into the valley from my mountain peak. But I know that the time will come when I have to hike down to the valley to get to the next mountain I will climb. It is scary because I remember how difficult the hike was, the broken legs and scrapes and bruises and dehydration. I know that is is difficult, because I've already been there,
I am reminding myself daily to take comfort and enjoy the good. Why worry about the future, the future that is so wisely not in my hands. Why fret and be scared of a trial that I know can be overcome because I have an Advocate, a Victory Giver, on my side, hiking with me? I stand here, enjoying the breathtaking view of life in front of me. The hike to the next view will be difficult, but just as worth it.
Live in the good, because the good is what will get us through the next trial. The joy I have cannot be taken from me, though it may be forgotten from time to time, it always comes back.
My good is so good right now. Everyday my heart bursts with a joy that cannot be explained. I have the most wonderful husband, a house with a warm bed + all that I need, and two beautiful pups to welcome me home every single day. I have a loving family. I have an income. There is so much good that I could write a book on it. I am reveling in it. I am stopping to smell every single rose. Every day I will take the opportunity to thank the Lord for the good. I will even thank Him for the bad that has taught me and grown me so much, and brought me to this sweet good. Every day I will lean on the Lord, because without Him there is no good thing.
Friend, are you in the valley now, and wonder if there will ever be good again? Are you reveling in the good life? Whether you are in the darkness or in the light, remember where the good comes from. Remember that the good will come again, it always does. In the darkest of nights, when the stars and moon are covered in clouds and you cannot see your hand in front of you, know that the sun will rise. Your nights may be long and dark, but the sun will break through to wash over you in warmth soon.
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17
