1 year of motherhood

On Saturday, November 27, 2021, I will have been a mother for an entire year. Wow.

Most moments it feels like this was always how my life was meant to be (because it was). A stay at home mom of twin boys. It feels right. Many days I am in awe that I actually am living my dream. To some that may be surprising. Yes, my dream has always been to wipe little bums, little noses, and little faces. To stack towers over and over again and watch little boys knock them down in excitement. Lose sleep because a little one is calling to me for a snuggle. Cook constantly and clean everyday while still having a home cluttered with bright and noisy toys and books and blocks and laundry. This is my dream, because this is what motherhood looks like. It isn't glamorous, but it is oh so sweet.

Some moments I look down at my almost-one-year-olds and think, how is this real life? How am I a mother? How are these beautiful, sweet, crazy boys MINE? Sometimes it doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel like I'm capable of being a mom and being responsible for the lives of these two children. But I am a mom, and wow, I am so blessed.

In this past year of motherhood, I have had many many hard days. Some days that make me shudder, that make me want to block them out of my memory forever. Not because of how difficult it was to care for my children in that time, but because of ME. Though I know that if I didn't experience those challenging days, I wouldn't be the mother that I am right now. Those hard days shaped me, they gave me patience, endurance, growth, gentleness, humility, and most of all, a deeper trust in the Lord.

When I think of those hard days, I can barely stand to write them out. But I feel like I should, so that if you are a brand new mama, maybe you will be reminded that you aren't alone and that it does get easier.

The hardest of days were when my baby was in the NICU and I was simply trying to figure out how to care for my newborn and simultaneously get to the hospital in a window in which I could feed, hold, burp, and change my other newborn so that strangers weren't all he knew. All the while putting ice pads in my underwear, filling adult diapers with blood and trying to discreetly throw it away in the hospital bathroom. ALL THE WHILE laying in bad literally weeping that I can't be with my baby, all the while fighting an anxiety attack in the bathroom because the TV was playing too loudly, all the while trying to find a moment to sleep yet when I did my brain would not shut off.

Those first 20 days were HARD. When I got home I thought it would get better, but it didn't, not right away. In fact the day after I got home, I called my doctor and told her that I needed help because I had thought about hurting myself and not being alive anymore and I was terrified out of my mind. I loved my babies more than life, I would do ANYTHING for them, so why was I wishing I wouldn't wake up the next morning? Why did I feel this way when my life's dream just came true? Thank GOD for anti-anxiety and anti-depressants.

The next two months are a blur that I can only remember when I look at photos. Day by day, moment by moment, things got easier and more beautiful and more full of love. Though I was drowning in postpartum depression and crippling anxiety, I am so thankful that I still was able to experience JOY. Ah, the melting of my heart as I learned to feed my babies simultaneously. The JOY when I felt their hot breath against my chest, the LOVE I felt each and every moment I looked at them. It was magical. It was magical in the mess, and that is what motherhood is.

In this past year of motherhood, I have had many many many many good days and even more good moments. A bit of advice I heard when I was deep in the chaos of infants was to not label days as "bad" due to having a hard time. Instead, recognize that it is simply a bad moment. Once I started telling myself, "This isn't a bad day, this is a bad moment" the good moments and good days were highlighted all the more. Wow am I thankful that I am PRIVELAGED enough to have witnessed all of my babies moments. I watched them roll over, learn to smile, learn to laugh, eat, crawl, sit, walk, play. How many good moments has this year held?! They are innumerable. Though I was anxious, though I was exhausted, every. single. day. was full to the brim of love and joy. My children, my Asa and my Oliver, they bring me so much joy. My heart bursts every time I look at them.

Magic in the mess.

One year of motherhood also means 1 year of breastfeeding. Holy cow, a true miracle. When I was pregnant, I didn't think I would be able to breastfeed TWINS past one month. I prayed harder about breastfeeding than anything else. I was determined to breastfeed for one month, and if I was miserable and at my wits end with it, I would give myself permission to switch to formula. The first month was so hard, with tongue tie, triple feeding, and teaching Asa how to breastfeed, but I made it through. The second month was hard too, but I decided to keep going despite the feeling that all I did was breastfeed (because honestly that IS all I did). But I made it through, and then it got easier, and I here sit with one year of breastfeeding under my belt. I don't know what weaning will look like for us, but I am so thankful to have made it this far. Breastfeeding is HARD, a massive time commitment and a sacrifice of your body. It is also beautiful, special, and miraculous.

Magic in the mess.

One year of motherhood. I am so thankful for these past twelve month and all they have held. I never imagined I'd be living my dream as a stay at home mom of two at 23 years old. It is ALL by the goodness of God that I get to live this life.

Asa, Oliver:

Thank you my sweet boys for making my dreams come true. Every moment with you is a moment I've lived in pure joy. I am so thankful that I get to love you, that I get to watch you grow and learn every day. I will always love you. Though now you are one year old and leaving the baby stage and heading into toddlerhood, you will always always always be my little boys. I ache to go back for 5 minutes and hold your little tiny newborn selves, but since I can't, I will hold you extra tight today and tomorrow and next week. Thank you for being magical in all of my mess.